For Straightboys Who Can’t Imagine a Hairy Ass in Their Face
You don’t know what you’re missing.
There’s nothing like an ass like a moon pie in your face,
Nothing like cupping two, succulent asscheeks
Like cantaloupe in your palm.
Butts sweeter than moon pies in my face
With blushed buttocks fully grown and ripe.
Robust like tomatoes in my hand
To squeeze firmly, tenderly.
Blushed buttocks with waves of delicate hair
That’s enough to make you want to sink your teeth in them cheeks
To squeeze firmly, tenderly
When performing anilingus
That makes you want to sink your teeth in them cheeks
Of God-like proportions
When performing anilingus
On a plump, ready rump
Of Godly proportions.
Whose tongue flickers
in ripe-ready rumps
I love to place my face in.
Whose tongue lingers
On bouncy, blushed butts
I love to place my face in?
Guys like you, that’s who.
On bouncy, blushed butts,
I will bust a nut
On guys like you
Cuz there’s nothing more notorious, as a glorious hairy ass in my face.
One of Them
One of them has a mullet
One of them has a tattoo of a spider-web on his left elbow
One of them has a thing for the other one
One of them hit on me last week
One of them got really drunk last night
One of them threw up on herself in the bathroom
One of them won’t have anything to do with grapefruit
One of them gave his wife AIDS
One of them has a kid in college
One of them needs to have that mole removed
One of them got in a fight with her boyfriend
One of them is a top
One of them is a bottom
One of them got arrested for stalking
One of them is impotent
One of them use to be a game show host
One of them let fireworks off in the club the same year that Pulse Club massacre happened
One of them committed credit card fraud
One of them won’t have anything to do with beets
One of them smokes too much weed
One of them drives a hybrid
One of them is polyamorous
One of them is pansexual
One of them is anti-social
One of them tried to commit suicide
One of them caught Covid-19 on a cruise ship
One of them got kicked out of the house for being queer
One of them likes wearing bowties with three-piece suits
One of them won’t have anything to do with squash
One of them has a crush on Kevin Costner
One of them won’t let it go
One of them won’t leave it alone
One of them drives a Porsche
One of them didn’t show up for the funeral
One of them is terribly mean
One of them thinks he’s funny and charming
One of them has a brain tumor
One of them just had her last round of chemo
One of them is estranged from his mother
One of them has a brother in prison
One of them is a crazy cat lady
One of them got caught up in a sex trafficking ring
One of them held a gun to her girlfriend’s head
One of them is always the last to leave a party
One of them is always the first to show up at a party
One of them puts smoked turkey wings in his greens
One of them had a heart attack last year
One of them ran away from home
One of them is the youngest out of seven kids
One of them won’t return my phone calls
One of them says I’m too needy
One of them has a tongue piercing
One of them is allergic to shrimp
One of them has a bunion on her left foot
One of them was almost on America’s Got Talent
One of them use to be a stripper
One of them left the country to get away from her abusive husband
One of them blew me for twenty bucks to support his crack habit
One of them loves cheese sticks dipped in honey mustard
One of them is dating an artist
One of them is addicted to poppers
One of them puts ketchup on his grits
One of them got frost bite in his hands two years ago
One of them got attacked by an owl and almost lost her eye
One of them sent me a picture of himself holding an eggroll next to his dick
One of them has filthy fingernails
One of them has a penile implant
One of them sent me a picture holding a beer can next to his dick
One of them makes the best weed cupcakes
One of them doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the wall
One of them couldn’t fix a hole in a paper bag
One of them loves everything Clint Eastwood
One of them has no idea what’s going on
One of them needs to shave that Abraham Lincoln beard
One of them grabbed my ass
One of them got struck by lightning while golfing
One of them skipped out on bail
One of them cheated on his spouse
One of them is in an open marriage
One of them said, “Someday I will let you suck my dick.”
One of them ate the last yogurt I had in the fridge
One of them ate the last hot pocket
One of them won’t clean the hair out of the bathtub
One of them doesn’t like drag shows
One of them reminds me of an old boyfriend
One of them has a kid in film school
One of them I want to slap in the face every time I see him
One of them use to be my friend, but isn’t anymore
One of them tried to sue me
One of them broke her leg
One of them needs a kidney transplant
One of them hates women
One of them is a white supremacist
One of them is a communist
One of them won’t keep her hands off me
One of them got her pinky toe cut off in a motorcycle accident
One of them is always high on something
One of them has a different girl every week
One of them likes mayonnaise on his hotdogs
One of them makes promises he never keeps
One of them has a pet python
One of them has two warrants
One of them is waiting for the right time
One of them is a control freak
One of them is mad at me about something. I don’t know why
One of them has a pierced ball sac
One of them pressed charges
One of them almost didn’t make it
One of them eats boogers
One of them never stops talking
One of them has a weird laugh
One of them has a prosthetic limb
One them is allergic to peanuts
One of them committed credit card fraud
One of them hates her father
One of them hates the smell of chicken grease in the house
One of them ain’t just whistling Dixie
One them is attracted to me, but I’m not attracted to him
One of them hates the color green
One of them I sold for next to nothing
One of them died in childbirth
One of them was given to her aunt to raise
One of them will not bend straight out
One of them is fatter than the other
One of them will not come up
One of them only has one tail
One of them looks like her mother
One of them should not be drinking
One of them is always sick
One of them has only one tooth
One of them blocked me on Facebook
One of them said, “Had I Known you were gay in high school,
I would have let you blow me.”
©2023 Shane Allison All rights reserved.
Shane Allison’s latest book Sweet Sweat is from Hysterical Books. His next collection I Want to Eat Chinese Food Off Your Ass, a collection of poetry, prose and artwork is forthcoming from Dumpster Fire Press.